Hello Butterflies and Beautiful Souls!
My name is Vanessa and this is my Diary. Where I speak my thoughts, my feelings, and maybe a few secrets. A time to release some doubt and negativity. Build more confidence and positivity. Connect with YOU, especially those, that have been in the same shoes.
Where do I begin….I started my spiritual journey after getting diagnosed with a Prolactinoma brain tumor and waiting on a breast biopsy diagnoses. Even at one point, I was debating which was worse. I knew I needed to stay strong minded, I needed to hold my daughter a little bit tighter, and I NEEDED to be here for my daughter’s 5th birthday! All of her birthdays! I want to see her accomplish life.
So, I spent my days busy raising my daughter. My nights silently crying as I held my baby girl a little tighter. NEGATIVE. The word negative is the most fascinating; the best sound you could ever ever hear! Still, I never lost my faith or fight. It may have weakened me at times, but I am only human. And Even though I have side effects from the brain tumor, it doesn’t shorten my life span, and I’m so so grateful for the years I get to keep living with my daughter “Luna” by my side. I believe at this point it all changed for me. Life didn’t look as bitter through my eyes, and you could say a Spiritual Awakening was happening.
I started my Spiritual Journey looking into spiritual books, listening to motivational speakers, and videos off YouTube. Pick a card tarot readings, (I know it’s for entertainment purposes, but it gives me some insight) and I’m realizing I’m powerful in manifesting creative ideas and goals. My Podcast was one of them, walking was another goal, and as I was on my second lap at the park I spoke out to the world; I’m going to do a Podcast! Before I knew it, six or seven butterflies flew all around me. So beautiful. Change and transition. That’s what it symbolizes!
I’ve been walking that path a few days a week. Trying to start being more healthy and succeed a weight loss goal; and I’ve never seen so many gorgeous butterflies! What colors! Just flying all around me! I know it was a sign from my spirits and angels, knowing this, my Podcast was going to center me. What a peaceful easy feeling….
Look, I don’t know if I’m supposed to be in the spotlight. I think I’d rather be in the background, maybe it’s my confidence, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to speak out loud. Give advice from my lessons, show support, just know that I’ve been there too. This year, wasn’t just about the pandemic for me, I had been diagnosed with a Prolactinoma Tumor in my brain in February. I’m dealing with it everyday!
It’s on my Pituitary gland, think of it being behind my nose, a little bigger than a pea. I started noticing a lot of weird things. Smelling chemicals or like fumes. I have major Sinus issues and get these bad headaches. Sometimes I forget or I have to take a second to catch up on what I’m thinking. You know I put it off, maybe because I’m gonna be turning 40 next year, that’s the reason why I’m feeling this way. I can’t concentrate! I get stuck when I’m talking to people. Mid sentence. You know, it can be embarrassing because it’s on the tip of my tongue and I go blank! I’m tired all the time, no energy, and I’ve gained like 50 pounds!
You know what’s the worse part about it is? Losing my confidence in who I am. Mom guilt because I never feel or do enough for my daughter. Not keeping up with a 4 year old! I hate it! I feel like I fail some days or lost other times. I put myself in this bubble, stuck, letting myself go. I used to wear makeup every day. Getting my nails and hair done was a must! Now, I’m arguing with myself just to take a shower! I’m determined to keep my daughter going, but why I am failing myself? I just felt like, I was so busy wanting to be who I used to be, instead of who I am becoming.
Who I was? Someone who was single. Who didn’t have a child and could come and go as she pleases. Working was my only top priority. And I think I just…I felt lost in bitterness. Years went by, almost four years went by, and I’m raising my daughter by myself; she’s special needs. She’s Autistic. I promised myself after finding out her diagnoses, the first three years, I was going to give her my all. For her needs! Wanting her to live the fullest life that I believe therapy and support would benefit her.
Taking her to specialists. She has five specialists, and I’m driving over an hour away each time. When you put everything into your child, it’s hard to balance, and you start losing yourself. Because they come first, right, so it’s like your mom number one, a nurse, a driver, and I can probably add so many more titles. You start forgetting about your needs. Your wants really don’t exist. Your so focused too much into your children. Don’t get me wrong, It’s the biggest honor being a parent. Especially a mother. Sometimes it just feels bitter sweet, especially being a single mom. I didn’t, you don’t, have choices like you normally do. That support that you need, but not always get.
It’s two things: either your prides gone because you want to believe you could do it all on your own or you get frustrated or upset; because when you do get that support, it may not always be the way that you want it! And then you feel ungrateful or your made to feel ungrateful. One things for sure, you don’t want to show that you’re struggling, but you know, you’re really struggling underneath.
Anyway, I focus on my daughter’s development. The years go by and the weight grows. I’m not taking care of myself. I’m noticing things, especially about my health! It’s a scary situation! I’m not as young as I used to be. Believing I can just bounce back! Putting it all off as stress.
It all went by so fast, yet the days so slow. Luna needs me, she will always need me, she is my first! The love of my life! My star! My little moon! This is the best years to mold her. Support her transitions. Early intervention. The best years to get her the services she really needs, and she needs a lot right now!
I just want her to live a full life! The world can be cruel and I can’t be there for her 24/7. So, I want her to be able to support herself to the best of her abilities. I pray and I hope she will always feels she can get the support she needs. But I still want her to try! I don’t want her to depend on the system, I don’t want her to not go for her dreams, use her disability as a crutch. Say I can’t do this or that; because I have a disability. I’m Autistic! She has so many abilities and needs to believe in herself, too.
You know, don’t get me wrong, I’m very blessed for a lot of programs that Luna has been accepted in. For someone who’s worked all her life and then all of a sudden everything stops! It’s so hard and financially stressful. I’m losing my identity more and more. And then when you do get into these programs, you’re so thankful you’re able to support your child, but then it also hinders you from getting back on your feet and moving forward. It’s all about your assets. It all goes in a circle, yet, we all survive.
Luna, she’s just so beautiful. She’s so smart in her own way, and she tries to be so independent. I love that about her! I think it’s amazing how far she has come. You know what? In our own way, we are so blessed. Like we are really blessed! Luna has the brightest smile. She’s always smiling! She looks at the world so differently. I think it’s so beautiful. I mean, if I could see the world through her eyes, I would be smiling too! She’s the best part of my life. She is the best part of my world and she will continue to be!
Believing who I was and still keep up with her was crashing down on me; because that’s not who I am anymore. I will NEVER be her anymore! That’s really hard for me to say; to even think that way! But that doesn’t mean this new side of me; isn’t the better version or has potential, too. You know? Because I’m trying! I feel a lot of changes happening. I’m seeing angel signs 1111, 333, and 8’s everywhere. My dreams are so intense and I’m feeling things. I guess you could say, I’m like in a spiritual type of journey.
I feel positive influences all around me. That’s what it is! It’s a positive feeling. A path! And you know what that positive feeling does for me? It makes me want to move forward. Motivation. Telling me to get up, put your makeup on, and get dressed for the day. Let’s take Luna to school. And you know what, the next day, I don’t want to do any of those things. I don’t. Maybe I won’t do all of it. But I do it the next day or two days later. And it’s a start! That’s all I can hope for!
I’m going to continue on this Spiritual Journey, because this is something that I need to do for myself. So I can still be the Vanessa, the mom, the nurse, the driver, the woman, and the positive influencer that I want to be. And you know what? I’m walking. I don’t walk every day, but instead of me sitting in my car waiting for Luna to get out of school; sometimes feeling miserable. Just being stuck! Whether I’m stuck in this car. I’m stuck in my room. Stuck in that house. Stuck. I’m going to take it one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. I’m going to think positively. This Spiritual Journey will take me places. I’m a Butterfly transitioning. That’s who I am becoming. And it feels good!
So. I leave you with this. Do something today that makes you smile. Do something that makes you laugh. Do something that makes you cry. Because one tear leads to more and it releases all the tension, all the pain, and all the negativity. I want you to smile from the heart. That’s what you got to do.
I will too!